O Lord Our God,
You have declared that "my thoughts are not your thoughts,
Neither are your ways my ways.
As the heavens are higher than the earth,
So are my ways higher than your ways
And my thoughts higher than your thoughts."1
I've always known those words were true. But I didn't like them.
Most of my life I have not understood your ways.
I am not sure I do, even now.
Actually, I am pretty sure I don't.
All those years of waiting and longing.
When I was a little girl I dreamed of a good husband and the children I would bear him. It didn't seem like much to ask.
And my husband is a good man.
He is upright and follows you.
But the children never came to us.
Month after month after month of disappointment.
My friends had their first child, and their second, and their third...
And my womb lay empty and my stomach flat.
At every gathering, they would start to tell their birth stories and discuss the challenges of nursing. I have never felt so out of place. Like I was an imposter, a fake woman.
And all of those months I cried out to you.
"Please Lord, may this be the month."
"How long, O Lord, how long?"2
"Do not hide your face from me, my God"3
And you remained silent.
You did not answer me.
For all those years.
I tried to be patient while I waited. I really did.
But the shame was unbearable.
I know others whispered behind my back:
Who sinned? This woman or her husband?
I wondered myself. What have we done wrong?
And still you remained silent. I was left waiting.
As the years passed, I gave up hope.
I was too old to have my first child now.
My friends had become grandmothers.
So I tried to be faithful with the little I had.
I worshipped you. I kept your commandments.
I kept the Sabbath.
I honored my husband and our marriage.
I tried so hard to not covet my friends' children.
But the questions still gnawed at my heart. Your silence didn't help.
And then. Then it all changed.
Zechariah came home from his work in the temple.
He had gotten his once in a lifetime opportunity to enter the holy of holies.
But things were strange.
He couldn't speak. He had to communicate in writing.
And he scrawled on the board that I would become pregnant.
I didn't believe it. Now? After all these years?
But he told me about your messenger.
And slowly, I felt a tiny ray of hope warm my being.
Maybe it would be so. Maybe you wouldn't be silent forever.
And it was so. You heard my cry and you answered me.I look at this tiny babe in my arms, and I don't know what the future holds for him.
I want to keep him safe in my arms forever, but I'm sure that isn't your plan.
I know this is a special baby. A miracle baby.
And you have plans for him. I don't know what they are yet.
But you have proved that your ways are higher than mine.
Even during all those torturous years, you were faithful to your promises.
You heard my cry and finally answered me.
1Isaiah 55:8-9
2 Psalm 13:1
3 Psalm 27:9
Photo by Cary and Kacey Jordan, The Jordan Collective. Used under a Creative Commons License.
