The Preaching Journey

Preaching has been a long journey for me.  I came to seminary not wanting to preach.  I had a nagging suspicion I might be good at it.  But I didn’t want to be good at it.  It seemed so pastorly (yes, I made up that word) to preach, and I didn’t really see myself as a pastor.  During my first preaching class, we had to give the introduction to a sermon.  I have never been so nervous in my life—not when I went to Taiwan by myself as a 17 year-old, not when I did contract negotiations with the vice president of a Chinese university, not even when I started seminary.  I was pretty bad, that first time around.  It was an outer sign of an inner battle I was having, questioning what my calling was and if I was really cut out for seminary.  I remember one Sunday that winter my pastor preached on something (the sad thing is I have no idea what) and then we had a time of individual prayer.  I remember that I let go of what I wanted (to not preach) and said yes to following God, even if it meant preaching.  When I had to preach the conclusion to a sermon a week or two later, I was much more relaxed.  One of my classmates said I should get the “most improved” award for that class. 

And then I preached in the next class a couple of times.  It was still hard.  Both times I was ready to sit down when I was only about half-way done.  I still wasn’t sure that I wanted to do it.  Then I started preaching in churches.  It was difficult and scary.  I agonized over those first sermons.  I practiced them a lot.  But I got a lot of encouragement from my listeners.  Their words helped me to keep going.  To keep writing new sermons.  And the more I have preached, the more it has grown on me.

I came here this summer okay with preaching, but not being really passionate about it.  I expected to enjoy other aspects of pastoring more.  But a big part of what the church expects from me is a good sermon, so I’ve been spending lots of time sermonizing.  And it’s been fun to preach in the same congregation consistently.  Once again, this congregation has been very encouraging.  Even some of the (apparently) hard-to-please members have been supportive.  I feel like I am finding my voice—I don’t have to be super dynamic, have the congregation in stitches, or be preaching off the cuff.  I can be gentle and thoughtful.  I can be a manuscript preacher because I care for my words (and several people have commented on that).  That is one comment I’ve especially appreciated.  I loved studying and teaching English and my first year at seminary it felt like that part of me didn’t matter and wasn’t useful, since I had to learn a new language of theology.  Today I am thankful that I can use the English part of me, and that I am finding congruence within myself. 

This journey is a testament to God’s grace in my life.  He has worked in ways that are surprising and terrifying.  I am grateful for the privilege of immersing myself in God’s word and sharing it with God’s people.  I give all glory and honor to him for the woman he has made me to be.